Goodbye To You
by The Ambitious Blank
Summary: A desperate, blinded Blank is despairing over the loss of Zidane, and realizes just how hard it is to let go. Spoilers ahead, beware. Rated PG for shounen-ai, kissing, and language.


Goodbye to You By Lisa  
  


Disclaimer- FF9 doesn't belong to me, and yadda yadda yadda. All that other legal stuff goes here. I don't own Michelle Branch or her songs, or the characters of FF9, or Square, or Blank, or Zidane.. you catchin' my drift here?  
**Comments**- So much angst. ::Dies.:: BlankxZidane is such a good pairing to angst with. A songfic done to Michelle Branch's "Goodbye to You", and one of the angstiest things I have ever written. Ever. ^_^ No lemon, no lime, just some kissing, a little bit of sappiness, plus some spoilers and quite a fair amount of cursing! Oh yeah, and Blank is blind in this fic. Yes, I do realize that he probably isn't blind, but it just makes things a lot angstier, don't you think? ^^ Enjoy!  
  
~*~_  
  
Of all the things I've believed in,  
I just want to get it over with.  
Tears form behind my eyes,  
But I do not cry.  
Counting the days that pass me by.  
_  
~*~  
  
Let go, they said.   
  
He's not coming back, they said.  
  
It's over, they said.  
  
Fuck them.  
  
He's alive.. I know he is. He HAS to be. I slam my fist into a wall angrily, my breaths harsh and labored.  
  
"FUCK YOU!" I yell to no one in particular, though I know my words are directed to the ones who told me foolishly to let go. I hear a tentative knock on my door.  
  
"..Blank..? Everything okay..?"  
  
"NO!" I snarl, and I can practically feel my fellow Tantalus member wince outside the door.   
  
One can probably guess that I'm blind. I've been that way for a while now.. since my biggest screw up ever.. that left me with so many skin grafts and scars. No one seems to mind.  
  
He sure didn't.  
  
I'm still an excellent swordsman, a quick-witted boy who can practically see the room when he steps in it despite the fact he's blind.   
  
..but that didn't save him, did it? Says a voice nastily in the back my mind. I push it away, wrapping my arms around my knees and curling up into a ball, seated on my bed.  
  
"Go away, Marcus." I say, my temper slowed a bit. For now, anyway. Wisely, he respects my wishes and leaves. I glare in the general direction of the opposite wall, hugging my knees tightly. I can feel tears pricking the back of my blind eyes, and I swallow them back. I had to stay strong.. for him. He needed me still. I haven't forsaken you yet, Zidane. They keep telling me to let go.  
  
But like I said.  
  
Fuck them.  
  
~*~  
  
_I've been searching deep down in my soul,  
Words that I'm hearing are starting to get old.  
It feels like I'm starting all over again,  
The last three years were just pretend._  
  
~*~  
  
I've decided to go look for him. Packing up my bag, I sling it over my shoulder. I head downstairs, to the way out of the hideout. I large hand stops me. I look up, though it's mainly habit. I'll never see who it is, but judging by the fact that it was a particularly large hand..  
  
"Gwhahahaha!"  
  
..Baku.  
  
"Where d'ya think yer goin' there, Blanky-boy?" He asks.  
  
I hate that nickname. Only Zidane's allowed to call me that, and he usually replaces "boy" with "baby". Hence, I was known to him as "Blanky-baby" after he got over calling me "'Niichan". I find it amazing how well I can remember his childhood days.  
  
"I'm going to find him." I say finally. He snorts, and I can feel his smirk radiating off him.  
  
"Gwhahaha! I always knew you two were inseperable.. yep, right from the start.."  
  
Leaving Baku to his long, drawn-out story, I exited the room, only to be stopped as two more presences halted me. Cinna and Marcus.  
  
"What do you think you're doing, Blank?" Cinna asks. I snort. Duh.  
  
"He's alive, I know it. I'm going to find him."  
  
"He can't still be alive.. not after all this time.." Cinna begins. I cut him off sharply.  
  
"I don't give a damn what you think!"  
  
"Did the boss give you the okay?" Marcus asks me. I whirl on him. What was with the third degree? Just 'cause the pretty pretty princess ran off with him rather than Zidane.. it didn't make him any better than anyone else. Yep, that's right, ladies and gentlemen. Miss Dagger seems to have decided that since Zidane's not around to be her little boytoy, Marcus will do. So, she and Marcus have run off. Cinna told me it probably happened way back when they were looking for the Supersoft to save me from the petrification.   
  
"Who gives a fuck? Nothing's going to stop me." I reply to him harshly. A wince from both of them as I storm forward, feeling them step away from me. They both know they can't stop me. No one will. Faintly I hear Baku calling out to me.  
  
"Bring 'im back, Blank."  
  
I step out into the sunlight, though it still looks like nothingness to me.  
  
~*~  
  
_And I said,   
Goodbye to you,  
Goodbye to everything I knew.  
You were the one I loved,  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.  
_  
~*~  
  
Taking a rest at a tavern part of the way there, I lay in the bed, staring up at the ceiling, though I still can't see it. It's all blackness. I used to get frustrated by not being able to see anything.. not being able to see my beloved Otoutochan anymore. I roll over on my side.   
  
I miss you a lot, Zidane.. where are you..?  
  
_"You sneaky little bastard, Otouto, you've turned me into a softie."_  
  
I frown a bit, rolling over again. I feel restless and tired at the same time. I want him back so badly.   
  
_"Is that a bad thing or a good thing, 'Niichan?" Zidane asks, looking up at me with those irresistable big blue eyes of his. I sigh._  
  
..no, I decide.. I don't want him back.  
  
_"..I'm not sure, Otouto." I answer. He giggles and hugs me tightly around the waist._  
  
..I need him back.  
  
_"I love you, 'Niichan." He tells me. I smile and hug him back. I know Baku won't approve of me being so nice and easygoing on Zidane, but could anyone really blame me? I sigh again, and he snuggles into my arms, falling asleep, thumb in his mouth. I hold him as he sleeps, my blind eyes turning to the window._  
  
I can finally feel my eyes starting to close, as I slowly fall into what is destined to be a fitful sleep. What I wouldn't give to hold him again.. for him to tell me he loves me over and over again. I never got tired of that.  
  
_"..I love you too, Zidane."_  
  
And I still do.  
  
~*~  
  
_I used to get lost in your eyes,  
And it seems that I can't live a day without you.  
Closing my eyes and you chase my thoughts away,  
To a place where I am blinded by the light;  
But it's not right._  
  
~*~  
  
I don't see it, but I can tell it's morning. The birds are singing loudly outside. I suppose one doesn't appreciate being able to see those birds and the sunlight everyday until you can't see them at all. I bite my lower lip. No, self-pity.. hell, pity in general.. isn't going to get anyone anywhere. I stand up, stretching and grabbing my sword, heading downstairs. A familiar voice halts me.  
  
"..Blank..? Is that you?"  
  
"Freya?" I stop, my eyes blinking beneath the band covering them. I turn in the direction of her voice. I feel her hand.. or would it be her paw..? on my shoulder.  
  
"Yes." She answers. "..I take it you're looking for Zidane?"   
  
Ouch. She got me.  
  
"..yeah." I reply, and I can feel her smile.  
  
"I thought so. Zidane stayed back at the Iifa Tree--"  
  
I cut her off.  
  
"Why the hell did he do that?!" I demand, suddenly realizing my rudeness, my cheeks heating up slightly.  
  
"I'm sorry.. I'm just.. frustrated right now." I admit, and I hear her sigh slightly.  
  
"Yes, we all are worried about him.. I've been asking around for him myself. I'm going back to the Iifa Tree to look for him. He'd stayed to go back for Kuja. Would you like to join me?"  
  
Not quite understanding why he'd go back for the bastard that tried to kill him, I simply nod, deciding to ask questions later. Much later.  
  
"..alright. I need some supplies, but then we can leave." She says, and I nod again. I go out into the town, getting a few things myself. A few potions and things like that. Freya joins up with me a few minutes later.  
  
"Ready?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
We leave the little town we both had stopped in, walking slowly in the direction of the Iifa Tree. We exchange a few stories, she tells me about some of her adventures from Burmecia, and I with a few of mine from my days with Tantalus, and a few of my days with Zidane. She can tell it's hard for me, and she often cuts me off with something else. I have a feeling some of the monster encounters we had were her doing so she could distract me, but I couldn't have seen, so I didn't know.  
  
Finally, on our third day of our long travels, she had scouted ahead and come running back to me.  
  
"Blank, the Iifa Tree's right up ahead!" I nod and follow her up a hill, standing on a ledge. I can feel the shadow of the Iifa Tree covering us, the towering plant high above us. I can feel movement beneath us, vibrations at my feet. I blink and turn in what I assume is the direction Freya's in.  
  
"..is it.. moving..?" I ask her.  
  
"..yes. The Iifa Tree is having a violent reaction." She answers, and explains about Necron and Kuja. I listen intently, trying to understand as best I could.  
  
"Any sign of Zidane..?" I question, though I have a feeling that I know what the answer will be.  
  
"No. I'm sorry, Blank. It's too dangerous to go in, we could be killed.. but we can camp here for a few days and hope he finds his way out and to us."  
  
Sounds like a good idea to me. We settle down in our tent. I sit crosslegged, unable to sleep. Freya is lying next to me, and judging by her soft, slow breathing, she's fallen into a peaceful slumber. I know I probably won't be able to do the same for a while. I step outside again, the cool night air whispering past me, through my hair. I wrap my arms around myself, staring into the nothingness that is forever my sight.  
  
I refuse to say goodbye. Not yet.  
  
~*~  
  
_Goodbye to you,  
Goodbye to everything that I knew.  
You were the one I loved,  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.._  
  
~*~  
  
That night I have the same dream that has haunted me since he was gone. It's empty.  
_  
The whole world around me is white, and somehow.. I can see. I step forward, walking into the seemingly endless world. Things are twisting and turning around me, and I start to feel dizzy. Suddenly, I fall. I don't scream, I can't. I slow, and I land on my feet. The world around me is dimmer, as if it were a bad movie. It's the streets of Lindblum, and I know what I'm going to see. I walk forward and turn to look down an alley. Zidane, a 10-year-old Zidane, is screaming for help. And beside him is my lifeless body.  
  
I turn and look to the side. A gang of street punks is running away from us, all of them having gotten some sort of slash or another from Zidane's dagger. And I know that they're the ones that did this to me. They're the reason why I'm blind.. they're the reason why I'm so mutilated.. why the hundreds of stitches from my skin grafts are there. I look down at my arm, and there they are. I look up again. Zidane turns to me, his big blue eyes begging.  
  
"..can you help me, mister?" He asks in a heartbreaking tone. I try to step forward, try to reach him, try to help him.. and I can't. I'm being pulled back, and Zidane's eyes are filling with tears.  
  
"Hey, wait! You're supposed to help..!" He cries after me. I shake my head and turn away. I can't look at him anymore. He turns away and lifts my 14-year-old boy on his back as best he can.   
  
"Don't worry, 'Niichan.. I'll get you back.. hang on, it'll be okay.." He reassures my unconscious form, and I cry out before the scene disappears.   
  
A new one takes its place. Zidane and I are in bed. He'd kissed me.. as if he knew that I'd been shielding my feelings for him for a while. But could you blame me? I was 17, he was only 13.. I couldn't bear forcing him into anything. We'd been rehearsing for a play.. yes, the fateful play in Alexandria.. "I Want to be Your Canary".. and afterwards I'd retired to my room, exhausted. Baku had worked us all overtime. Zidane came in and sat down. We'd talked, and suddenly he'd leaned up and kissed me.  
  
I didn't object, and neither did he. Suddenly, he stared at me directly.. I could feel it, even though I couldn't see it. I felt him cautiously reach up and wrap his fingers around the belt that shielded my eyes from the world.  
  
"..let me."   
  
I nodded, and he carefully slipped it off. My eyes used to be green, and now they're faded.. staring into nothing. They were creepy, Cinna had told me once, having forgotten to use his sense of tact. So I'd started wearing a band to cover my eyes, hiding myself from the world, closing myself in. Zidane.. he always knew how to get me to open up to him, somehow. He pushed past my outer protections, reaching me far deeper inside than anyone else ever had.  
  
I could feel him studying me. I'd bitten down on my lip.  
  
"..how bad is it..?"  
  
"..what are you talking about, Blanky-baby?" He'd asked me, with a grin that I could feel radiating off him. I'd blinked in surprise as he wrapped his arms around me. "It's perfect." He whispered, and then kissed me again.  
  
I watch as our tired forms snuggle closer in the bed. Zidane nuzzles me softly and whispers something in my ear.  
  
"..I love you."  
  
The scene changes again, foward in time to when the Invincible was entering Memoria. We were there, and I remember running out to the deck of the Prima Vista, wishing I could see into windows to the gigantic ship. Zidane saw me. He turned and looked at me, giving me a long, hard look that I could feel, somehow. Gathering up my courage, I grip the railing, leaning over it and yelling to him.  
  
"I love you, Zidane!"   
  
_It's then that I wake up, the pain of him still being gone aching deep in my scarred chest.   
  
~*~  
  
_And it hurts to want everything,  
And nothing at the same time.  
I want what's yours and I want what's mine.  
I want you,  
But I'm not giving in this time._  
  
~*~  
  
I awake to the eternal night once again.  
  
My internal clock tells me it's dawn, and the sun's just beginning to rise. I stand in the cramped tent, careful not to awaken Freya, who's still asleep in the other sleeping bag next to me. I stand on the edge to the chasm near the Iifa Tree, feeling the thing still surging and moving underneath my feet. The sun mocks me, luring me into a false sense of security and warmth as it seems to welcome me. My heart is sinking like a stone in my chest. The wind flows past, blowing my hair around and seeming to laugh at me.  
  
_He's gone, you'll never see him again!  
  
He's dead, so give it up!  
  
Gone forever, Blanky-baby.._  
  
NO!  
  
I glare into the nothingness, blocking the imaginary voices away. I'm trying, I really am, but as each day goes past and I haven't held him, touched him, even talked to him, my remaining hope slips away like the sands in an hourglass. I'm losing my faith.  
  
If only I could see again! One might think I'd gotten used to my blindness fairly well, and indeed I had. The problem was there were days when I was sick of nothing. I'd give anything just to be able to see again.. to be able to see his beautiful face, smiling at me, like I did so many years ago. When was the last time I'd actually seen him? I can barely remember. Back when I was lying in the alley, as good as dead, I looked up, and there he was. Blonde hair framing his face, large blue eyes shedding tears. Tears for me. My disoriented mind interpreted him as an angel for some odd reasons, but I hadn't stayed conscious long enough for me to voice that thought.  
  
I suppose that I'm regretting that at this point.  
  
~*~  
  
_Goodbye to you,  
Goodbye to everything I thought I knew.  
You were the one I loved,  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to..  
The one thing that I tried to hold on to.  
_  
~*~  
  
  
Freya thinks we should leave tomorrow. And even though I know she's right, I can't help but want to stay, want to feed my hopeless faith just a little longer. I sigh a bit. We're going to leave.. which means I have to let go. I can't.. I just can't. I won't believe he's gone. Call me idiotically stubborn or what you will, but I can't let go of something like this so easily.  
  
"..I know you're still alive, Zidane." I say to no one in particular. Perhaps I'm speaking to the wind.. the same wind that had taunted me the day before. I don't know anymore. I hear Freya come up behind me, and then she gasps. I blink behind the belt over my eyes.  
  
"..what's wrong..?"  
  
"..you're right."  
  
"..I'm.. what..?" She can't mean what I think she means.  
  
"..he's alive." Freya whispers. I feel my heart stop briefly. I can't believe it.. what does she mean?! Is this a sick joke..? Would Freya even joke about something like this? My hurried thoughts are cut off by a terribly familiar voice.  
  
"..yeah, he's alive. And he's right here."  
  
~*~   
  
_And when the stars fall,  
I will lie awake.._  
  
~*~  
  
I have to keep myself from jumping into his arms, from crying, from hugging, from screaming to the sky. He's alive, I knew it, I was right all along! My once-sinking heart is swelling like a balloon deep in my chest, overflowing with relief, joy, and everything in between. His voice is like music to my ears, his very presence is overwhelming from him being gone for so long. As calmly as I can, I turn to him, knowing my emotions are clearly displayed on what's visible of my face.  
  
"..where have you been..?!" Oh, that was smooth, Blank. A million questions are shooting through my head, and that was the one that came out first.  
  
"Long story.. very long." He replies tiredly. I hear him kneel down and lay someone on the ground.   
  
"Zidane..?" The mystery person asks. A man. Kuja, I'm assuming.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"..thank you."  
  
"Blank.." Freya interrupts quietly, "Zidane and Kuja look like they've got a few bruises.. I'm going to help them take care of that and let them get some rest.. then Zidane can explain." I nod.  
  
"Alright."  
  
Later that night, I go and sit outside again, crosslegged in the soft grass and sand around me. I smile serenely to myself, and hear someone else leave the tent and plop down next to me.   
  
"Hello, Zidane."  
  
"How'd you know it was me?"  
  
"I doubt Freya or Kuja would sit down so ungracefully."  
  
"Hey! I'm not ungraceful, I just choose to.. aw, screw it." I laugh.   
  
"So.. what happened to you, exactly?"  
  
"Well, y'see.. I'm just stupid like that and I went back into the Iifa Tree to find Kuja. We'd defeated him, and then another baddie appeared, called Necron. We beat him into the ground too, of course.."  
  
I snicker.   
  
"Your ego hasn't changed, I can see that much."  
  
"Shut up, Blank. Anyway.. so we'd gotten out, and Regent Cid came to get us. But at the last minute, Kuja sorta talked to me telepathically, y'know? Told me goodbye. So I felt I had to turn back to go and get him. He is my brother, after all.. maybe not biologically, but we were created the same way, basically, right?   
  
"Anywho. I went back in to get him, and I found him, almost dead. Then, to make things worse, more of these vine things came after us, so I leaned over him to guard him from it. Got beat up pretty bad, knocked unconscious even. When I woke up, he was standing over me. Standing. I couldn't believe it. I thought he'd been dead for sure. But he told me that 'my protecting him gave him the strength to keep going'. He'd shot Curaga into himself and me a few times, and then I'd woken up. He collapsed a little while after that.. and.. he's dying."  
  
I wince. That was blunt, even for Zidane. It sounded hard on him. Slowly, I slip my arm around his waist, pulling him close carefully. I'm afraid he'll push me away, afraid he'd forgotten all we had. But he doesn't. He snuggles gratefully against me, hugging me back. I smile.  
  
"Hey, if it cheers you up any, you don't have to worry about Garnet anymore."  
  
"Why's that?"  
  
"She hooked up with Marcus."  
  
"She what..?!" Zidane asks, and I know he's looking up at me with those wide blue eyes of his.  
  
"Yep. You were gone, so she started going after Marcus." I say. I'm grinning. I know I shouldn't be, but I can't help it. Suddenly, Zidane bursts out laughing, and I laugh with him. We lay back in the grass, and suddenly I hear him gasp softly.  
  
"..hey.. a shooting star." He says. I look, even though I can't see. Suddenly, I sit up. He does the same, and I can feel his gaze on me.   
  
"..what's wrong, Blank?" He asks, sounding worried. I don't answer for a moment. I stand and walk to the edge of the Iifa Tree's ravine, listening to the tree moving. Zidane comes and stands next to me.  
  
"..what are you doing..?" He questions me again. Again, I don't answer, but I slowly reach up and undo the band around my eyes.. the single item that has hidden the world from me even more than my blindness, a symbol of the guards I put up against the rest of the world. Zidane's still watching me. Smiling, I bring my hand back and fling the belt into the ominous canyon below.  
  
~*~  
  
_..You're my shooting star.  
  
_~*~**Owari**  
  
I LOVE the ending to this.  
  
Angsty much? Hell yeah!   
  
-Li 


End file.
